Where to start.....?
The last post I made, I was 21, living at home, working at an online based wedding boutique and barely starting to date my now husband. I don't even remember who it was that I was so irritated at. For me to be so mad at one person that I stopped writing seems a little bit severe. I'm assuming I was mad at a few people - probably myself included. And I can tell you this much right now: Not a whole lot has changed. It's a little comical that the very reason I stopped writing is the same reason I started again, but there it is.
I'm tired of being forgotten.
I tried starting a tumblr account thinking that if I could somehow become 'tumblr famous' (11,000 + followers), it would somehow answer that big 'who is Laurel, really' question since my last rant in 2010. I've had it for... 4 weeks now? I have 31 followers.
Don't get me wrong, I know these things take time. I know patience is key. But then I see these terrible accounts with naked people and drugs and 'hip' fashion and all they post about is "OMG I have NO IDEA how I got over 8,000 followers in just 10 days! You guys are the BESTEST!!!" I very quickly figured out that I'm older than 90% of these bloggers, more modest, and therefor uncool. I got caught up in the popularity contest of HIGH SCHOOLERS for the second time in my life now, but this time I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late!! Needless to say, this wonderful idea of mine failed. Horribly. I might delete it. I'm not sure.
I've also tried to find a new hobby hoping that somehow, I'll find this special hidden talent and let it consume my identity. Painting, guitar playing, furniture rearranging.... On and on. And then I decided.
I wanted to be the photo girl. You know, that girl that takes amazing pictures and everyone wants prints and she makes cards and sells them in gas stations and eventually gets to quit her job because all she can think about it her camera and where the next great shot is going to be?? Yeah, so I bought a camera. An EXPENSIVE one. And now I hate taking pictures with it because they don't look good at all. And it's TOTALLY the camera's fault. They just don't turn out. And Then it hit me, I wanted to be in the pictures more than I wanted to take them.
There's only one problem with that; No one cares about taking my picture. I don't have friends like that. I have a sister like that, but she takes pictures of her friends instead. I guess I'm not her friend. Sniff.
What's weird is that the biggest let down though is also the happiest part of my life right now. I'm not really sure how to word this so I'm going to start with a disclaimer. I love my husband. I love being married. In no way am I complaining about our decision to spend the rest of our lives together. Okay.
So I always expected life to be different after I got married. You know, like when you're a little kid and you can't imagine what it will be like when you're (OMG) NINETEEN?? To a 12 year old, that's a long way off. At least for me it was. I remember fantasizing about all the cool things I'd be able to do. Drive myself places, be done with school, kiss boys... Wow. I would have it made at 19. But when I got to 19, I was still me. Awkward, lost, insecure... I guess I kind of had the same expectation about getting married. Except I didn't learn from the experience of my 19-year-old let down. I kept dreaming.
Again, I love being married. I'm not saying it isn't wonderful in every way... I just expected to be transformed. Me. I'd know who I was, I'd be perfectly content, and the rest of my life would just fly by and I'd have everything figured out. But I don't. I still worry about the same things. I still burn dinner. I still get insecure when Jeff doesn't invite me to hang out with him and his friends like I used to when I was convinced none of then liked me and that's why I was quarantined. (Yes, I know. Guy time.) Getting married was supposed to turn me into superwoman. But I'm still Laurel. And I discovered that I'm not very good at that either.
Luckily, I have this amazing husband who has been there to talk, support and encourage me. Poor guy didn't know what he signed up for! I don't know what I would have accomplished this far without him... It was practically 90% his idea for me to restart my blogging. And I sure am glad he understands all of this.
All those scenarios and a few conversations with Jeff and my best friend and my sisters accumulated, finally, to me taking my own advice. I need to start over. I need a hug, and then I need to reset. I am the heroine in this novel. Because I'm writing the book. I come first. In a sense anyway. It's more like I come third really (God, marriage, me), but that's the point. I've been filling that third spot with other people. Trying to find happiness in their success instead of my own. I don't need to be famous, I don't need to be adored. Especially not be other people - and strangers at that. I just need to accept myself, focus on what makes me happy, and RUN with it.
I was on the right track with the tumblr account.. until I realized that it's not really a writing type of blog. Which is really what I needed. Carly Sebastian, I have you to thank for this quote. It made me realize I was in it for all the wrong reasons.
"You don't write because you want to say something. You write because you have something to say." - F. Scott Fitzgerald.
And man do I have something to say.
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