Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I'm allowed

It's been a while since I've written and there are a few reasons for that. 1. Jeff and I are trying to buy a house and for those of you who have already done that, you know how stressful it is. 2. My Brother came back home from California and moved to Japan a month later. He and Anna are there for three years. 3. I'm currently looking for another job. One that's closer to home (which, keep in mind will change in a few months), and preferably in the line of work that I want to do for the rest of my life. Which brings us to number 4. I REALLY need to go back to school. But to do that, I need to make enough money to pay for it... and to get a job that will pay for it, I need to have a degree from school. Vicious cycle. 5. My last post? Well if you haven't read it yet, you should. And then you should NEVER try it because it didn't work. It made everything worse. So now I need to talk everything through and piece by piece get it out of my system. I apologize in advance for the following rant.

I always thought buying a house would be fun. It's not. I hate living in these apartments and we need to get out NOW but the house buying process is a lot s l o w e r than that. It took weeks to get pre-approved, and the market is being swallowed up by people who have more money and less time than we do. So there aren't any houses left that we're interested in. Our lease is up in August, but now it looks like we're gonna have to stay here longer than we planned. Sucks big time.

I kind of got used to my brother being gone since he's lived in California for the last few years. First acting and then the Marines. So when he told us he was moving to Japan, it didn't really register as anything different. Until he left. I cried for three days straight. It's different because I can't fly down to see graduation anymore. I can't call him because it would cost a bajillion dollars. MY FAMILY IS DISINTEGRATING! Dad in ND, brother and sister-in-law in Japan, and what's next? Hillary will get famous and go on tour? My mom and Dean will move to Arizona for warmer weather and cheaper housing? I only have Kara left to depend on and THAT's because she's still in high school.

And I'm gonna skip number three.

Anyone want to give me a full scholarship to Bastyr? Even Everett Community college will do. I just have this craving for knowledge and getting it all over the internet is proving to be a bad idea day after day. And yeah, I'm a little embarrassed to not have my degree at this point in my life. People I used to lead in high school are now graduating with four year degrees. That means I'm old. And I have no degree. And I'm old.

But for the most important part, don't ever try to pretend like you're not mad. I seriously tried really hard not to let any of the above annoy me. Or anything else. And you know what happened? I became a bitch (sorry mom. I'm leaving it). I snap. I bite. I act out. I literally shake with rage. So now instead of getting mad at the guy who cut me off twice two mornings ago, I'm pissed off at the lady walking through the grocery store. Because she put pre-sliced packaged cheese in her cart. DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THAT STUFF IS FOR YOU???? Buy a BLOCK and CUT IT YOURSELF! So in an effort to keep myself from being irrational with my anger, I became more and more irrational. So I'm really sorry but I'm going to continue to be a hot head and a fire cracker and whatever else it's called. Because that's how I work. I'm sorry if any of this has affected anyone in any way, I'm certainly work on being more nice now that I'm going to allow myself to get upset with REAL problems. And as soon as I get a house and move the piano in, I will once again have my preferred outlet and get rid of my frustrations by beating the ivories. No tickling. Beating. And until then, I'm going to be okay just being stressed and anxious and frustrated. Because I'm going through major changes in my life. And I'm allowed.


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